Everyone Is Stupid But Me

What are we doing?! Spaceship footballs flying out of generic stadiums? The simple fact that there is a Cleatus robot for FOX is what I’m talking about. And now he is in a mission control room firing off thermo-nuclear football warheads. Why do we need all that. I am fine with just entertainment, but it’s going a little far don’t you think? Why would we need all that to say that football comes on next Sunday? We all know that, don’t we? And I think I’m finally sick of commercials. With the invention of the DVR there is no need to watch commercials ever again. Just start putting the logo of the company in the bottom corner of the screen and show the empty field after a touchdown. It’s to the point that if I’m stuck watching a sports game live and I have to sit through each commercial, I think I might start reading…yeah I know… reading!?

I’m just here to tell you commercials, for the most part, suck. McDonald’s should only have commercials that tell you when the McRib is back. After that limited time… no more commercials until next time. And why is the Ford Truck guy so angry? I know he’s an “Asshole”, his song tells us that, but is that how the truck companies see the general public? Or do people who drive trucks really talk to people like that? I know a lot of people who drive trucks and they don’t talk like that. Yes some of them are angry, but its just because I keep asking to borrow their vehicle to move my sofa because it won’t fit in my Civic. Or maybe it is just another way to split us up into little groups? Truck people are angry, hybrid people like musicals, and van people, such as parents, like revealing facts about rear hatch space. Which I think is a pretty creepy euphemism for a married couple doing the dirty.

An interracial van taking the wood.

Don’t get me wrong, I like clever or funny commercials, but the beer commercials are pretty much the only people still trying to do this with any kind of efficacy. And even they kinda start to suck with so much repetitiveness. You want to know why comedians can say their jokes with a straight face? It’s because they have said these jokes probably 70 to 100 times (at least) by the time you’ve heard it on their Comedy Central half-hour stand-up special. This is the same reason I no longer find some beer commercials, or a gecko, or a caveman funny. I feel that 70 to 100 times in one football season is enough. And if you are making a beer commercial that targets guys who like chicks, you have successfully found a market you can work with…if you make a beer commercial and try to target people who dress up in team paraphernalia each week, such as turning your pickup truck into a pirate ship, you are narrowing out your field too much. Fix it. If you don’t sell beer then you go out of business. If you go out of business what will I complain about. If I can’t complain, they can’t kiss. If they can’t kiss they can’t fall in love. If they can’t fall in love, I’m history. Hey man, the dance is over….unless you know someone else who can play the guitar.

A guitar...really!?

And maybe I don’t know why they say it. Maybe it’s because that’s how people shop for cars. But I don’t. I hardly ever pull anything with my car except for branches I accidentally run over. I don’t even know what the 3.9 liter V8 engine means. That means nothing to me. Not only do I not know what that means, but its irrelevant.

OOO, that thing's got a HEMI

Even if they tell you while they show a scene where the Jeep is climbing up the side of a small mountain, its all to make you think, “That is why I need that!” Are your kids going to Mordor Junior High? Then you probably won’t need that shit for the carpool line!

South to drop off. North to pick up.

Not to mention if you do that in your Jeep, you’ll void the “Trail Rated” warranty. Look it up.

You went off-road? Warranty Voided!

And again, maybe it’s because I don’t know about it, but if you have 30 seconds to sell me a Jeep Grand Cherokee don’t tell me about the engine. Because the engine doesn’t play Escapade by Janet Jackson loud enough to drown out my horrible singing.